i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
