also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
