Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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