Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
where am i from again
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
