Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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