apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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