I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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