I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
