Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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