i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
