The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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