I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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