o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
