my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
