I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
