Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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