I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Randomize
