You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
