the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
