Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
