This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
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Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
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'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.