did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.