You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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