I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
