You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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