Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
