whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
