Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
