No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
