I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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