I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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