I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
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I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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