fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
