do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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