Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
