dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
