Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
