remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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