Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
