Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
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I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
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I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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