Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
