sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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