So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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