Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
