If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
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It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
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Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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