you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
