Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
