People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
