you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
