You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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