I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
