After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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