oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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