Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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