i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
