Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
