you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
