Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
