I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
